How To Build A Social Circle In A New City Part 1 of 3

Making new friends in a new city is not always easy, yet it is necessary. If you want to lead a life of adventure, you will need to learn how to make new friends.

So, you are reading this because you are a PUA in a new city. Or, you’re just a guy in a new city and need some tips on (re)building your social circle. While this post is more specific to PUAs, normal guys and gals can still benefit from it. The process may be a bit different for guys and girls, nonetheless the advice in this post should overlap. Keep in mind I am learning as I go since I moved to San Diego.

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Your first 10 days in a new city

Your first day will be exciting as you are traveling from one location to another. Fatigue may set in but overall, things are changing and it is exciting. Depending on how your moving situation is, you will have to arrange for things to happen (furniture moving, setting up internet, etc). Try to enjoy the process and know that things are happening, and that each day you have to accomplish 1-2 key things. Don’t worry about trying to do everything at once. As long as you have the basic essentials, you should be good to go.

If you have lived in one place for a long time, or have some really good friends, you will miss them dearly at first. Maybe by day two, when you have moved into your new place, you will feel alone (depends on whether you have roommates or not). Start your process of making new friends and say hi to your neighbors or anyone who you run into. You may feel a deep seated fear in the pit of your stomach. This happens when people move to a new place or country and is part of the whole culture shock experience. Try to acknowledge the fear and feel it. Trying to push it away will just make it stronger as denial of truth doesn’t make the truth go away. Recognize the fear. I’ve been there man, and so has anyone who has ever traveled alone before.

Sometimes the fear or loneliness can be a bit overwhelming, and it actually starts affecting your body. You feel the unease in your legs or throughout your core body muscles. Try to recognize it. At this point, make a habit of hitting the gym, or running. Running gives you endorphin that always improve your mood, and hitting the gym will help you build a stronger, healthier body.

If you sit at home and do nothing, remember that the fear just stays with you and you may grow number to it. However, if you take action, it slowly starts to melt away. This is because fear cannot be present at the same time as courage. As you brave onto the wilds the fear will eventually dissipate. Your brain then acknowledges your efforts to make new grounds and accepts that reality instead of fights against it.

By the 3rd or 4th day you may be more accustomed and getting used to things, although this can take up to 2 weeks. People as creatures can get used to anything, so just know that with time, everything will be more “routine”. Take the opportunity to set good, healthy routines at this stage in the game, which may affect your life 1-2 years from now.

Specific things to take action on

  1. If you are moving for work, your coworkers may be in a similar situation, especially if you are just out of school. Take the opportunity to befriend them. Always remember though that this is the primary source of your income, and keep things at last minimally professional until you realize that you can totally trust someone as a friend.
  2. Meetup.com is a great platform for meeting new people. There are a wide range of people in the world and this may be hit or miss. However, you can meet some great friends through this website so start becoming aware of the types of meetup.com events that are available.
  3. PUA Forum and threads will get you new friends too, although most of these guys want to sarge. Take sarging time but also take time to chill. Overall, I’ve had some great friends who ended up being good friends after we picked up together. However, sometimes guys just want to get good at game and forget to “chill”. Your friends should be someone who can chill out and enjoy the moment with you with an intent or ulterior motive (i.e. picking up girls)
  4. Post a Facebook status saying you’re in the city. Sometimes friends of friends are there too and want to meetup
  5. If you have a big place, you can AirBnb out the location, make a new friend, and even make some money!
  6. Craigslist postings can be another way to make good friends, although, the crowd can vary so understand that this is a hit or miss situation.
  7. OKCupid, POF and Match.com are great resources to find girls, but don’t just settle for the first girl, try to build out your female friend circle this way, and add value to everyone.
  8. Cold Approach. A lot. Not everyone is going to be in a mood to make new friends. Remember when you had your social circle back home and a new person tried to break into it? You weren’t always down to make new friends. Understand that cool people are busy and they aren’t ignoring you per se. They just have too much stuff going on. Be adamant and stay on the ball, and realize that some numbers (even with guys) will flake. Keep at it. Eventually you will meet people who appreciate you and make good friends. You can easily say “Hey I’m new in town” as an ice breaker to any social situation, so take advantage of your new-found status. Do not sit on this and do nothing, there’s always a rite of passage period whenever a warrior visits a new tribe, and he has to take that time to become familiar with the local culture.
  9. Call up your old friends and tell them you miss them. They will give you courage and you remember what you had before. What is truly real is never lost. At the same time, you may realize that your “romantization” of the friendship was a big exaggerated, and that you see now more clearly the friendship for what it is. Always remember your good friends, and make the effort to keep in touch, the rewards will be worth it.
  10. Have a friend visit you right away, or have a friend move with you. You will still have a wing to make the first 1-2 weeks, and you can pay for their “vacation” to make it worthwhile for them.

Total Acceptance

When I graduated from college I went home to Ottawa for a few weeks. It didn’t sink in to me until 1-2 weeks later that college life was now over. That golden period of fun and learning. I was 20 at the time. I remember about a week later, I suddenly started crying and hugging my mom. My parents looked confused. “Why are you crying?”, they said,  I told them that “I loved them very much”.

Later on I moved to Stamford, CT to take on a management consulting job and then left a year later to the bay area. I remember crying in the shower. In between that at my college graduation I have not cried. I said to myself, “Vince, you’re not a kid anymore”. I was 22 at the time.

Interestingly, things started getting better and better after that. I made new friends, and I ACCEPTED that my new life was in California. Instead of psychologically fighting against it, I had total acceptance. Now everything I did was in alignment of that goal, and I knew that over time I would move in the right direction. Sometimes it takes a good cry to move on.

On Love and Being Present

Everyone needs love, some more than others. Yet, it is amazing how little it love is shown sometimes in this superficial, commercially driven country (world?) of ours. Remember that love is unselfish, and that you should give before you receive. Sometimes you give and nothing comes back, but the very act of giving sets into motion a pattern of thought that is value-adding. You are passing on value, that inner presence which every human being has to express love and gratitude for being alive.

For more depth on “presence”, The Power of Now and A New Earth I strongly recommend from Eckhart Tolle.

Strength in Being Alone and Happy

Have you ever been alone and extremely happy? Well, this is a very important skill to have. We come into this world connected to our mothers, and then we are separated. On some level, even in really intimate relationships, we are always alone. You retain your individual spirit. Never forget this.

I think that people who are happy when alone, actually have more satisfying relationships, because they are not using it to fill a void that they have. You need to completely love yourself first, before you can love another person.

Shrek was perfectly happy alone before he met Donkey:

If you are missing something core, find it again. Love

Over time, if you feel a deep disconnect with the social energy field of the new city or place, give it 3-6 months. Then, perhaps it is time to move. Sometimes, time away from loved ones make us realize what we had before. But never do this from a perspective of limited chance. If you stayed home a lot and didn’t put yourself out there in a new city, then you haven’t really grown. Try, and fail. Then you will realize that despite all the new friends you made, you still miss your loved ones. Then you know what the right decision will be.

Sometimes love overrides logic:

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