Social value based on social feedback
I am actually a really cool guy. This sounds like a self-centered thing to say, but allow me to put context to it. When I left California I had a lot of problems in my life that I wanted to find solutions for. I was afraid that I was leaving my problems behind instead of solving them. Job status, social circle, getting laid, having a stable social circle. I hoped that I would find some answers on my trip. And answers I did find. Perhaps not on the job front, but I found answers to social value.
Me living in Sunnyvale California is like Lebron James playing basketball in Spain. Sure he’s good, but no one wants to watch basketball when they are eating tacos. For 2.5 years now I have lived there, and the environment has had a significant influence on my psyche. With a high density population of married couples and low single women to single men ratio, I have been reduced to a guy who behaves as if I had very low social value.
While in Brazil a lot of personal things happened. I will narrow it down in this post to the most significant events that allowed me to realize that I am a high value guy:
- The most important thing was having people who knew who I was. Friends from college who knew me very well back then. We talked and played as if no time had passed. This is because although we have all changed so much in the past 5-6 years, we still know the “essence” of who we are. The groom’s family was also very warm and it was good to see everyone again after all this time.
- Hanging out with other people of high value, raises your own value as well. They have a tendency to notice your best traits, and constantly reminds you of them by treating you as if you always possessed those traits. For example, my friend values my opinion greatly about marketing and has asked me for my advice on his spa business’s marketing material.
- Seeing them again made me realize that my style has drastically changed. Instead of having no one notice in Sunnyvale, I get looks from everyone in Brazil. My friends also noticed that my style has improved a lot, and was actually even going through my stuff to learn about what brand of jeans and cologne I wear.
- Being in a developing nation, being an “American” (“Gringo” here) automatically raises your value. We’re still a superpower and our influence on pop culture here is significant.
- The female to male ratio in BH and Rio is highly skewed, therefore, approaching girls usually yields great results. Even if you are just strolling around, you will get very strong eye contact from the gals. One girl even said hi to me as we were walking on the street.
- Because of the ridiculously good looking women in Brazil, you start to get used to hot girls. Overall, this increases your own value as hot chicks become ever more common.
- Hanging out with the bride’s family, I remember sitting on the couch with 7-8 girls around me, all shouting and talking in Portugese. They would touch me and be fooling around. Just having this kind of atmosphere allows you to get used to hanging around really hot girls and it was a blast.
- I hooked up twice in my trip here and it was actually quite easy to do. This always raises a man’s confidence. Not only that, one of the girls was probably the hottest girl I’ve slept with thus far in my journey.
- Hooking up with really hot girls changes your perception of your own sexual value. What I mean is, if you are able to hook up with really good looking women, there is this barrier of hotness that you overcome as a limiting belief that you are not good enough for a specific type of woman.
- People are in general warmer here. For example, everyone says “bon gia” (translation: “good day”) to you when you walk around. There is more sense of connected-ness here, and as you connect and exchange reference points with more people, you own sense of self worth is further developed and defined.
- I was able to get to know a couple of HB9s and 10s here. They are actually really cool people. Before, I was being mean to HB8+ because they were historically mean to me. I know now that this is not true, and I should not project my own insecurities on women just because they are really good looking. You don’t need to be an asshole to pickup a really hot girl. A neg is not an insult. It is simple disqualification in a high energy nightclub. Sometimes being nice and congruent with high value is simply enough, if this is indeed who you are.
A strange thing is happening to me now as I am writing this. In PUA land, we talk about “social references”. That is, the social feedback loop that a person gets as he received pings and pongs from the people we interacts with, that determine his or her value. For example, if a man moves to a new place, and his first 3 approaches with girls in his neighborhood are negative, he may start thinking that his own value is low. Let’s say the man settles down for 5 weeks. Now, he has a string of social interactions with women in his neighborhood. On average, he gets decent results but not great. Over time, his unconscious mind starts drawing up this perception of “average guy” value in his head. This is so subtle that sometimes his conscious mind is not aware of it. But unless something drastically changes, this image of this value gets stuck in his head. After a certain time of the same social feedback and same behavior, something in the man’s mind “clicks” and this begins a change in his attitude towards himself, be it positive or negative. In the case of negative social feedback loops, Matt (PUA Training) the confidence coach would call this, “your conditioned voiced”, which has now taken over.
Similarly, when we are in a new country, we develop an opportunity to redefine our own value. While in Brazil, I have come to realize that I am a good friend. I am very sexually desirable by many women. I am of a high social class. I am ambitious. I have family and friends that know the real me. These changes are not only conscious, but they start to manifest in you in strange ways: When I talk to really hot girls now, I no longer have this fear or itch of gaming them. I simply talk and connect with them. I look past the pretty face. You start to feel like you can walk around the city by yourself and still have a good time. You can eat alone and still feel comfortable and at peace and be nice to everyone. You experience bad feedback, i.e. “go away!” and no longer blame yourself for them, but rather condone that person’s inappropriate social behavior. This is possible because you know that, based on the majority of social interactions you have, 90% of it is very positive, so this person is an isolated incident and must be in the wrong. This is not a conscious calculation per se, but rather the consciousness awareness of your ongoing social value. This type of change I believe can only come after some time. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was in San Francisco and I had just landed a manager role at a startup.
So if you are feeling in a rut, remember that you may be living in a town that sucks anyway. Take a trip elsewhere. Meet new people. See if you can discover the hidden part of you that inherently radiates high value.
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