Part of this is due to Accutane. 60 mg a day does takes it toll on the body. For the most part, the drug was considered a miracle drug when introduced over 2 decades ago, as the only “cure” for acne breakouts. While there has been no conclusive scientific study that links depression or suicidal thoughts to the drug, many patients have acknowledged a known depression curve when on high doses of Accutane. For me, this feeling just means that if you do nothing or have nothing exciting going on in your life, you will feel a little “blue”. Thus, a normal person with a healthy social life need not worry for the most part.

The medicine, at best, is a slight influence on how I feel. It tends to enhance any negative thoughts that you currently have. Behavior and conscious thought is still personal choice, as we deliberately control and direct them.

One of the challenges I have been dealing with is how I can reach my goals. The barriers seem insurmountable. Too hard. Too many obstacles. Impossible. I wished that I wasn’t so ambitious, and that my dream to build my own playboy mansion and have a shot at becoming really, model good looking was exactly that – a nice dream to which I can hang my hopes and dreams by, and pretend to really care about it when I talk to people that asked. But it is so much more than that. It is becoming a burning desire.

One of the problems, as correctly noted by friend and PUA Serum is that my goals are too high. As such, I go on spurts when I would go out and go “sarging“. When I don’t get the girl I want, or I end up closing a girl that I think is below my standards, I will get really angry/depressed/in denial. See Kubler-Ross model for more details.

After this “wave”, I go back to my normal routine. While I consider myself rather successful being in “normal mode”, this person, this version of AlphaWolf will not get me to where I want to go – building my own version of the Playboy mansion. To achieve this, I must become someone else. In this sense, the lessons in pickup and entrepreneurship are very real. How can you become a sexy worthy guy, if you have never actually BEEN sex worthy?  How do you develop a rich person’s mentality, when you’ve never BEEN rich?

On a deep level and to a large extent in the artist’s exterior, he or she will have to fundamentally change who they are. Being politically correct, people will always say, “become attractive! become confident! But while doing so, remember to retain your best qualities and who you REALLY are!!!”

But the truth is not that simple. I believe that on a very deep level, for a non sex worthy guy (non-natural) to become sex worthy, something in him fundamentally changes. I am starting to understand this now. As you work on this, something clicks. You no longer “value chase” girls. They chase you. You chase them for fun, not becasue you are seeking value. It is an equal exchange. There is no fake it til you make it. No bullshit. No lies. No elaborate tricks. It simply is.

YOU. ARE. A. SEX. WORTHY. GUY.

The truth shall set you free.

A word of wisdom came from an unexpected source: a shy Indian guy at work, who needed a ride home today. He is a stand up guy, but I always thought that he wasn’t very interesting. I asked him for his view on life and our goals, given our workload at the office. He said something really interesting:

“Sometimes you make ‘long term’ goals, but the long term is hard to predict and hard to see. So you have short term goals, and you work to get there within a reasonable amount of time, and short goal after short goal, hopefully that allows you to move towards your longer term goals.”

I still have not figured out how to take this mindset, and create a disciplined lifestyle around it. Too many times, I have said “fuck it” to picking up girls because I cannot take the rejection, and also because my PU skills, while it gets me laid with (let’s be frank) a decent amount of effort, it always feels like I am the one doing the “chasing”. I have seen guys who do not chase. The girls choose them. There are 2 extremes, the rich guys, who get the gold digging girls (these are broad generalizations, I know hang with me).

The other type of guy is just the “sex worthy guy”, as we describe in pickup as a guy who you know, on an exterior and subtle level, understands attraction and can trigger it in woman, and can sexually escalate to a close. The thing PUAs and the community often misses is that this guy has his inner game down. He understands who he is. He has a strange, almost untouchable sense of confidence in himself.  The inner game is the essense of the fire, and the techniques are simply ways to manipulate the flame.

AFC Adam notes in the under 21 convention, that becoming a natural requires 3 things:

1. Confidence in yourself: without confidence, you have no hope

2. Abundance: you need women in your life

3. An ability to sexually escalate

At the end of the day, pickup is pickup. It is a skill set and mindset of picking up girls. It is nothing more, nothing less. The 3 pillars of your life, wealth, health, and love must be in order in order to feel truly happy. This beings me back to my original points:

1. I don’t want to “pickup” girls because I feel like I am not at a point where my inner game and passive value traits are allowing me to be, at a base frequency, the sex worthy guy.

2.  On the same note, while I love working on business and work, doing this 100% of the time does make me depressed, because I know I am not living up to my full potential. And the reason we are running with this was to have more free time and financial resources to pursue our passions in pickup and the arts! Guitar, Martial Arts, Dance, Art.

I will continue to post my conflicts in the personal life section, in hopes that others can benefit from reading about my experience.

I realized that in order to become a mPUA, you must go into the field at night. These are the toughest, most AMOG-like situations you have, and in order to become good, you need to learn how to win battles here.

I realized that I wanted a foundation. When I got sick, I didn’t have that many female friends who cared. Thus, I needed to build my social circle. B and a few others I am working on.

I realized that I wanted a “foundation”. First, financially. Then, socially. A foundation is something that is more permanent. For example, instead of going out and picking up HBs and running the sales cycle for pickups, you own a hot bar and HBs come to you. Hugh Hefner did this with playboy. Celebrities do it with fame and fortune. Even Donald Trump was able to do this by owning the Miss America and Universe pageants.

Finally, I was able to prioritize my health and my career over my pickup skills. Because without a healthy body, you have nothing. The things I have learned in the field have helped me increase my ability to adapt to tough situations at work. I am able to understand my boss (who is a female manager, type A) better and improve my relationship with her. All of this goes beyond just fucking HBs. The moment I realized this, my game seems to have improved significantly, more so than before.

Last but not least, this time around I really internalized the abundance philosophy. I will run a routine many times, often in the same venue just to get that routine down. I now have 5 that I know always works when delivered correctly that will usually get me into Comfort. I started calling up girls who flaked or don’t return my calls/text, and telling them that I will never bother them again but I need to know where I could have improved for personal development purposes. Some have actually called or texted me back with (sometimes) really ego-blowing but useful comments. In the true sense of this phrase, “This is much more than just about picking up girls. This is about building a life”, Mystery is right.

3. One of the toughest things to do is to realistically assess those around you. Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with? These people shape your life and thoughts. It was really hard for me to admit, but a lot of the guys who were “Gods” to me when I started 2 years ago and starting to seem like “average PUAs”. I say this because (without naming names) these guys think they know the answer to life. And while they get lays, it is not consistent and the quality of the girls is just not there. This is going to sound harsh, but I had to admit, slowly and painfully to myself, that perhaps my friends, even my aPUA friends were not as good as I once thought they were.

The friends I have that got HB8+ lays were now gone (One is in Boston, the other lost touch). And I realized that I had nothing to offer them. So if I was them, I wouldn’t call me back either. Truth.

Working at Google, having access to Larry, Sergey and all the talented people we have made me realize something: there was a DISTINCT difference between the “Life Context” thoughts of people who were great and those that are average.

GREAT people realize that the more they learn, the more they understand how little they know. I always have a vision of opportunity for what lies beyond the limitations. These limitations can be based on business (company financials), life, love, or other aspects. Sergey and Larry will often joke about things when they speak on Fridays. They act very humble. And most importantly, they admit their mistakes. When asked if our technical repair shops around Google could be better, Larry replied, “Hm. I think they are doing great. Who thinks the Techstop people are great? raise your hands”. A lot of hands go up, including mine. Larry, “See. Cool. I don’t know, maybe they treat me differently. *Laughs*. I think they are doing great and they deserve a round of applause.” Larry, by the way recently married a super smart, hot blonde girl who graduated from Stanford’s PhD program.

AVERAGE people tend to have a life context of “been there, done that”. I am sorry to sound harsh, but this is true. Many of my friends are AVERAGE people. They succumb to the status quo. They say things like, “R, life is not what you think. You’re idealistic now. I was too when I was your age. But divorce is tough. You will never meet ‘the one’. You have to make compromises’. I have also heard this, “It’s too late for me, I am already 30. When you’re 30 you’ll understand”. You get the picture. We have all been there.

I don’t hate these people, but I hate hearing these comments. I hate hearing these self-limiting beliefs coming from my FRIENDS. While the financial comments hit me harder because I have personally seen many of my classmate succeed to a large degree post college (I went to a school that was well known for its number one entrepreneurship program)… nowadays I get pissed off when I hear these comments made about pickup, because these guys don’t know the half of it. My skills have improved and I have become on par with them, to say the least. And yet, I realize how little I know and how far I must go. Many of my friends are good, but they have stayed at “good’. When asked about why they aren’t picking up HB9 blondes, they will make excuses about the limitations of just picking up girls. While this is true (I believe that HB10+ sometimes require a lifestyle that also has HB10+ equivalent Style, financial and other “social foundations”), why can’t our conversations turn into ideas for making more money? For opening up our own club? I find these limitations frustrating. Credit goes to Stone here, who is probably the only guy I know who I consider to be close to Master level and yet, having gone through a 5 year marriage and divorce, still believes in eliminating “limiting beliefs” as I do. Stone is a Charisma Arts alum.