Sep 21, 1998:
Mystery: “When the pain gets bad enough you will move on, and then you will get more pain from the next girl you can’t get. And then the next and the next. Finally you will get a bit numb and not let your emotions get in until after she’s your girlfriend. And then you will notice that because you don’t let them step on you emotionally you will seem like kind of an ass and attract more women. Ah, going through the same shit I went through. I thought maybe you could bypass that shit, but no you chose to go through it.”

A week ago the thought of giving up game and going back to the way I was crossed my mind. It was there for a second, like a flicker of campfire in the dark. I knew it was momentary, as learning pickup and game has given me so much that I would otherwise never have had. But there are major low lights in learning this game. (I tend to bypass all of the posts because they are negative, and my writing may seem confused at times. Those entries are in my personal diary.) If you want to get good, you are going to face rejection. Lots of it, young grasshopper.

I have gotten used to rejection from girls that I did not know, or mediocre looking girls whom I can full close but not become emotionally attached to. A few weeks ago I had to face rejection from 2 really hot girls that I was able to hook and setup day 2s with, but no full close. This is painful to me because I grew emotionally attached to them. At least I thought I was, at the time. In retrospect, I know understand that I was emotionally attached to the idea of having a hot girlfriend. That always appealed to me. Some strange combination of good sex, social proof, and just always fulfilling that aspect of your fantasy that you’ve always had – the guy with the really beautiful girl.The idea is appealing to me, and I think men in general.

So the cycle of emotions started taking over. Sadness. Acceptance. Anger. Denial. For about 2 weeks I decided hardcore to focus on other areas of my life. To an extent, this is actually a very strong force of energy which can be channeled into work, working out, making financial plans, among other things. By the second week, however, the inability to be flexible in meeting girls gets to you. You start feeling a bit depressed, and always a little bit angry and on edge. This can be a good thing if you’re angry for the right reasons, and only if you find a right channel to push the energy towards.

This isn’t the first time it has happened to me – every time I reach a major obstacle in finding my playboy bunny I swear off pickup for a while and go back to what I know best – business. When I quit my job in NY to come to CA, this was one of the reasons. When I moved into San Francisco to live the city life, this was one of the reasons. But my ideas are far fetched, and my expectations too great. I think to myself, “when I have all the money I need, I’ll build my own lifestyle with hot chicks and fuck chasing girls and getting rejected. No more of that shit!”.

You are going to go through a phase where you hate hot chicks. I did, and I know many PUAs who do also. You starting thinking that HBs only hook up with hot guys or rich guys – for replication or survival purposes. You start wishing that you were a little bit taller, richer, better looking, and then things would be alright. You start harboring all these negative emotions towards girls in general. There is some truth to these thoughts. Girls can be very logical from a S&R perspective when picking who they sleep with. Sometimes it seems fucked up, especially in the field. Good looking guys probably do get laid more. It’s part of the deal. At the end of the day, it is important to realize which things you can change right away, and the things that will take time. I believe that all things can be changed. Some just take longer than others. Some take different routes than you initially thought.

If anyone else is going through the “anger at obstacles in getting better at game” or “rejection from hot girls” phase, I hope the following distillations of my learning will be of help to you:

1. Looks do matter. A lot. The reason this is debated so much in the community is because it is controversial. It matters. There are certain types of guys out there that can trigger an emotional response from a woman simply by the way he looks. I’ve seen this happen in field many times. Obviously, he doesn’t act like a total chode, because women have treated him different since he was little, and this sense of entitlement growing up has shaped his reality significantly towards pickup. I HAVE seen some good looking guys chode out at bars. This I agree. But in his normal life, he has much more opportunities to pickup girls from his social circle, during the day, at work, etc. His barriers to success are much lower. The truth is, girls are attracted to guys within the first few seconds to few minutes. His looks, in combination with his game play a big part of this. Percentage wise, (laisez fair) all else being equal, good looking guys can trigger attraction much faster than an average looking guy. I think the community in general downplays this part, partially because it is commercialized, and partially because, there usually isn’t a lot most guys can do about this by developing their game.

What I would suggest instead, is to identify the key factors of your looks. Being aware of what your looks convey about you. This includes tackling the controversial but important factors such as race, age, social economic status of what you “look” conveys within a first impression. Also, identifying long term potential for improving your look, whether it is through physical training, plastic surgery, or styling.

2. In the longterm, social class matters. This is an interesting one. I have noticed two seemingly conflicting things. One extreme involves guys like Casanova sleeping with women of the clergy and PUAs dating girls with MBAs and such. We read FRs of hot girls in high positions all the time. But how many of these girls actually end up marrying and starting a family with a PUA who is below her social class? In The Red Queen, Ridley correct denotes that a female of “exceptional beauty will always marry above her social class”. Maybe true love finds its way, and a Notebook story unfolds. However, these stories are generally true. Being of a certain social economic status allows you to meet people within that circle. In the long run, it allows you to game girls who are also part of those social ecosystems.

The good news is that we live in a society with a free capitalist system. More often than not, this system rewards people who generate value for the economy. Most of the top billionaires today are self made, and not through inheritance. Class barriers have never been more fluid in history, at least here in the US, and in many places around the world as well. To have a high social class and income also conveys value, does it not? It shows good business acumen.

I think girls fuck guys regardless of social status. Women of beauty generally marry men of higher social status.

On the other extreme of the coin, I see guys with MBAs and PhDs all the time at work. I also see plenty of HBs at work. For the most part, these men have 0 game. This concerns me. I look around and I see some of the top MBA program graduates – and they don’t look sex worthy. It makes me start to question the reasons for me in my goals to obtain a MBA. To be fair, there are a lot of guys who I meet in the community who seem very nerdy and unsexworthy as well.

The real sex worthy guys, to me, seem to be in entertainment. Rockstars. Lead singers. Men in fashion. Bartenders. Business owners. Cool Entrepreneurs – the ones that rock a white collared shirt and guess jeans and has tattoos. Entrepreneurs who no longer work for the money, but for the passion of what they do. In the industry that I work in, sex-worthy guys are few and far in between. It makes me wonder why people spend their lives trying to climb a career ladder, when in truth all we really need is to get laid.

3. It is ok to take time off game.
It is never all in or fold when it comes to game. It is an ongoing process. We change. Hating or loving women in general is misleading – women are comprised of people. Your female friends. Your mom. Your girlfriends. The friendly girls at the bar. The bitchy ones. I know how it feels to be angry at women in general – fuck the hot chicks at the bar – I am done. I hate chasing all the time.

Try not to take on this mentality like I did – I know it is easy to do. Because it is the easy way out. Women are human beings. As such, they come in variety. There are good ones and bad ones. Always remember, that the field doesn’t lie – and when you are in field, the one constant you have is your mind and your skillset. And this never changes.

I forgot what happened after that. I also remember I was the main character in a huge city. Kind of like GTA. I specifically remember the feeling of power: “wow. I have a machine gun, rocket launcher, I could literally destroy this whole place right now”. But I decided it would be more fun to just run around. The camera was on me! Cool! A whole game (or dream, in this case) built just for me! Awesome!

Other scenarios occurred, but I don’t remember the specifics. When I woke up, I felt alive. I felt good. I felt like I could do anything. That life was a game. A game to be played. To be controlled by me and me only. Only I hold the destiny to my future. It was weird because I had wanted to feel like this for a long time and I have been thinking about it more recently. The feeling I can only describe as “drive”. There are certain characteristics of what drives makes a person feel:

1. You feel like the world is for the taking, and that everything you had ever wanted is out there, just waiting for you to make the right moves.

2. You feel like you can accomplish anything. Ridiculous as may be, I feel like it is possible. It is difficult to describe this feeling

3. You start focusing on what it possible and what calculated risks you may be able to take, instead of what you should be afraid of losing

1. Due to the nature of my work, I cannot discuss the drama that is unfolding at my job.

2. In my search for “targets”, my success rate have been relatively low compared to my previous tenure in San Francisco.

3. In this city of mine, many families live here. I feel slow. I miss the adventure of the city and I realized that in order to motivate myself, I must go AGAINST the rhythm and flow of this town.

These factors, together have contributed to my examination of myself and my own negative emotions. I believe that Envy, Hate and Anger and all essentially bad emotions to have, with the exception of righteous anger. I have never wished misfortune on others, however I have wanted what others have, and perhaps this can be classified an Envy. To wish ill upon your enemies, I have never felt this way until I have been betrayed and thrown under the bus at work by a former manager who I considered a friend.

I decided to post this event so that others can see not only the highs and lows of my journey. It is not all fun and games – there is suffering, sorry guys But I think in times of misfortune or suffering, one learns to pick himself up, and some other hidden part of your character is unveiled. For example, I have learned that I can channel my anger into productivity in starting my own businesses. The drive of never feeling the emotion burden of someone who dislikes you have financial and managerial power over you is a strong motivator to do much good. Without going into much more detail of the exact events of my misfortunes, here are the emotions I have felt over the past 2 months:

Anger is an emotional state that may range from minor irritation to intense rage. The physical effects of anger include increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline.^[1] Some view anger as part of the fight or flight brain response to the perceived threat of pain.^[2] Anger becomes the predominant feeling behaviorally, cognitively and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behavior of another outside force.^[3]

Hatred or hate is a word that describes intense feelings of dislike. It can be used in a wide variety of contexts, from hatred of inanimate objects to hatred of other people.

Philosophers have offered many influential definitions of hatred. Rene Descartes viewed hate as an awareness that something is bad, combined with an urge to withdraw from it. Baruch Spinoza defined hate as a type of pain that is due to an external cause. Aristotle viewed hate as a desire for the annihilation of an object that is incurable by time. Finally, David Hume believed that hate is an irreducible feeling that is not definable at all.^[1]

In psychology, Sigmund Freud defined hate as an ego state that wishes to destroy the source of its unhappiness^[2]. In a more contemporary definition, the Penguin Dictionary of Psychology defines hate as a “deep, enduring, intense emotion expressing animosity, anger, and hostility towards a person, group, or object.”^[3] Because hatred is believed to be long-lasting, many psychologists consider it to be more of an attitude or disposition than a (temporary) emotional state (see rage).

Envy (also called invidiousness) may be defined as an emotion that “occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.”^[1]

It can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person’s self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been him or her who had the desired object.^[2][3]

Bertrand Russell said envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness.^[4] It is a universal and most unfortunate aspect of human nature because not only is the envious person rendered unhappy by his envy, but also wishes to inflict misfortune on others.

There’s something there that sparked motivation in me, and I wanted to recapture the moment. Read on!

-AW

“December 29, 2006

I got a call from mom and dad today, telling me about their insightful conversation with …. I have been locked in my room all day and I didn’t really get that much work done. Anyways, this prompted me to go out to the store to get dinner, as well as start figuring out what it is to get my motivation back on track.

Here are the 8 keys to cultivating motivation from Steve Polina:

1. Burn the ships.

I’m not going to pull any punches with this one. If your goals are really important enough to you, then you can start by burning the proverbial ships, such that you have no choice but to press on. For instance, if you want to launch your own business, you can begin by making the commitment to quitting your job. Write a letter of resignation, put it in a stamped envelope addressed to your boss, and give it to a trusted friend with firm instructions to mail the letter if you haven’t quit your job by a certain date.

One Las Vegas casino manager made the decision to quit smoking. He didn’t feel he had the personal willpower to do it alone, so he took out a billboard on the Las Vegas Strip with his photo on it along with the words, “If you catch me smoking, I’ll pay you $100,000!” Was he able to quit smoking? You bet! (Ok, bad pun.) This is called willpower leveraging. You use a small bit of willpower to establish a consequence that will virtually compel you to keep your commitment. As Andrew Carnegie once said, “Put all your eggs in one basket, and then watch that basket!”

In the classic book The Art of War, Sun Tzu notes that soldiers fight the most ferociously when they believe they’re fighting to the death. A good general knows that when attacking an opposing force, it’s important to create the illusion of a potential escape route for the enemy, so they won’t fight as hard. What escape routes are you keeping open that are causing you not to fight as hard?

If you don’t burn those ships, you are sending the message to your subconscious mind that it’s ok to quit. And when the going gets tough, as it inevitably does for any worthwhile goal, you will quit. If you really want to achieve your goals, then you’ve got to burn those ships to the ground, and scatter the ashes. If you’re thinking that the average person won’t do this, you’re right — that’s why they’re average.

Since I was laid off from XXX, I really don’t have a choice in this matter. I have to start sending applications more consistently and not watch movies in between interviews. This is an on going process. Fuck you pay attention and FOCUS.

2. Fill your environment with desire boosters.

Let’s say one of your important goals is to lose weight. Get some poster board, and make your own posters that say, “I weigh X pounds,” where X is your goal weight, and put them up around your house. Change your screensaver to a text message that says the same thing (or to some equally motivational imagery). Get some magazines, cut out pictures of people who have bodies similar to what you’d like to have, and put them up around your house. Cut out pictures of healthy food that looks good to you, and post those around your kitchen. If you work in an office, then alter your office in the same manner. Don’t worry about what your coworkers will think, and just do it! They may poke a little fun at you at first, but they’ll also begin to see how committed you are.

3. Surround yourself with positive people.

Make friends with people who will encourage you on the path to your goals, and find ways to spend more time with them. Share your goals only with people who will support you, not those who will respond with cynicism or indifference. If you want to lose weight, for instance, get yourself into a gym, and start befriending those who are already in great shape. You’ll find that their attitudes become infectious, and you’ll start believing that you can do it too. Meeting people who’ve lost one hundred pounds or more can be extremely motivating. If you want to start a new business, join the local chamber of commerce or a trade association. Do whatever it takes to make new friends who will help you keep your commitment.

Although this can be difficult for some people, you also need to fire the negative people from your life. I once read that you can see your future just by looking at the six people with whom you spend the most time. If you don’t like what you see, then change those people. There’s no honor in remaining loyal to people who expect you to fail. One of the reasons people fail to start their own businesses, for instance, is that they spend most of their time associating with other employees. The way out of this trap is to start spending a lot more time associating with business owners, such as by joining a trade association. Mindsets are contagious. So spend your time with people whose mindsets are worth catching.

There are a lot of negative people in my life that I had gotten rid of. However, not meeting new people at work made me realize that when I am by myself, although I feel comforting I also feel bored. Being bored is a really bad feeling. Also, I have been sick for the past couple of days, that may feed into my inability to go out and perhaps my dark mood isn’t helping my health either.

4. Feed your mind with empowering information on a daily basis.

Inspirational books and audio programs are one of the best fuel sources for cultivating desire. If you want to quit smoking, read a dozen books written by ex-smokers on how to quit the habit. If you want to start a business, then start devouring business books. Go to seminars on occasion. I advise that you feed your mind with some form of motivational material (books, articles, audio programs) for at least fifteen minutes a day. This will continually recharge your batteries and keep your desire impenetrably strong.

When you absorb material created by an extremely passionate person, you’ll often find yourself feeling more passionate as well. A great book I read was Pour Your Heart Into It by Howard Schultz, the CEO of Starbucks. As I read the book, I was absolutely amazed at how someone could be so fanatically enthusiastic about coffee. Other enthusiasm-building authors/speakers I highly recommend are Harvey Mackay and Zig Ziglar.

5. Replace sources of negative energy with positive energy.

Take an inventory of all the sensory inputs into your life that affect your attitude — what you read, what you watch on TV, the cleanliness of your home, etc. Note which inputs influence you negatively, and strive to replace them with positive inputs. I’ll give you some good places to start. First, avoid watching TV news — it’s overwhelmingly negative. Do you really need to hear about the woman who was mauled to death by her neighbor’s dog? Fill that time with positive inputs instead, like motivational and educational audio programs. If you like to watch movies, then watch movies that are full of positive energy, such as light-hearted comedies and stories of triumph over adversity. Avoid dark, tragic movies that leave you feeling empty afterwards. Dump the horror books, and replace them with humor books. Spend more time laughing and less time worrying. If you have a messy desk, clean it up! If you have young kids or grandkids, spend some time playing with them. Some of this may sound a bit corny, but it will really help increase your overall motivation. If you have a hard time motivating yourself, chances are that your life is overflowing with too many sources of negativity. It’s far better to happily achieve than it is to feel you must achieve in order to be happy.

6. Dress for success.

Whenever you pass by a mirror, which is probably several times a day, you get an instant dose of image reinforcement. So what image are you currently reinforcing? Would you dress any differently if your goals were already achieved? Would you sport a different hairstyle? Would you shower a bit more often?

Although for years I enjoyed the ripped jeans and T-shirt look, I noted that when I visualized myself in the future, having achieved certain goals, I was dressed a lot more nicely. With some experimentation I found a style of clothing that looks professional and is also comfortable. So I gradually donated my old clothes to charity and replaced my wardrobe with clothes that fit the new identity I was growing into. (Consequently, there’s a Salvation Army store with quite a stock of gaming industry T-shirts.) I learned this idea from an ex-Navy Seal, who stressed to me the importance of taking pride in your appearance, and I can say with certainty that it makes a noticeable difference. So make sure the clothes you wear each day are consistent with your new self-image.

Appearance matters. Look your best, always.

7. Use mental programming.

This is a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) technique that will help you associate strong positive emotions to whatever goal you’re working to achieve. Find some music that really energizes and inspires you. Put on your headphones and listen to it for fifteen to twenty minutes, and as you do this, form a clear mental picture of yourself having already achieved the results you want. Make your imagery big, bright, vivid, colorful, three-dimensional, panoramic, and animated. Picture the scene as if looking through your own eyes (this is very important). This will help you form a neuro-association between the positive emotions elicited by the music and the goal you want to achieve, thus strengthening your desire. This is a great way to begin each day, and you can even do it while lying in bed when you first awaken if you set things up the night before. You should cycle the music periodically, since the emotional charge you get will tend to diminish if you listen to the same songs each time.

Keep in mind that this form of mental programming is already being used on you by advertisers. Watch a fast-food TV commercial, and you’ll note that the food is big, bright, and animated — spinning burgers, lettuce flying through a splash of water, ripe tomatoes being sliced — and don’t forget the catchy tune. So instead of letting others program your desires for you, take charge and mentally reprogram yourself.

8. Take immediate action.

Once you set a goal for yourself, act immediately. As you begin working on a fresh new goal, don’t worry so much about making detailed long-term plans. Too often people get stuck in the state of analysis paralysis and never reach the action stage. You can develop your plan later, but get moving first. Just identify the very first physical action you need to take, and then do it. For instance, if you’ve decided to lose weight, go straight to your refrigerator, and throw out all the junk food. Don’t think about it. Don’t ponder the consequences. Just do it immediately.

One of the secrets to success is recognizing that motivation follows action. The momentum of continuous action fuels motivation, while procrastination kills motivation. So act boldly, as if it’s impossible to fail. If you keep adding fuel to your desire, you will reach the point of knowing that you’ll never quit, and ultimate success will be nothing more than a matter of time.

If you apply these eight strategies, you’ll add so much fuel to your desire that the fire will never burn out. You’ll move towards your goals like a guided missile to its target, and you’ll enjoy the process because you’ll be so focused on the positive rewards instead of the difficulty of the tasks. If you get enough positive energy flowing into you, you’ll soon have positive results flowing out of you. And you’ll quickly become the kind of person that others refer to as “driven.”